Solutions to Acting-Out Behaviour

In our culture, it is almost an automatic reflex for parents to focus on “changing the child” when the child’s behaviour is out-of-synch with certain standards.

We can apply tactics like:

Bribery, rewards for good behaviour
Punishment, consequences for bad behaviour
If/then practices (IF you do this, THEN there will be this consequence that I will dole out to you)
Raising our volume to get their attention (i.e. yelling)
Labeling our child
Unleashing our own emotions in an unproductive way
Building family narratives about what kind of kid they are
Considering medications
Ignoring (i.e. reverting to technology distractions)
Blaming someone/something else for activating the child’s unwelcome behaviour
Retelling stories that compound the child’s sense of failure/inadequacy
Attempting to didactically instruct/reason with the child in the moment
Generating new 3D strategies for solving this problem

The New Way

New paradigm parenting requires that we look at the child’s behaviour as a reflection of our own energetics and their environment, and how the child is responding to this vibrational atmosphere.

These are the initial necessary steps to supporting our chid, because this focus considers the child’s ability to attach and connect first, rather than assuming that the child needs to be changed.

Step One: The Parent is the Path

Our child is like a mirror of our inner world, and their regular acting out behaviours are an indicator of where we need to address our own awareness, assumptions, beliefs, habits, and unhealed patterns.

[It is also important to note that we need to hold this inner work in tension with the fact that children do still require real-time connection/attachment, boundaries and guidance as they navigate their big emotions and acting out behaviours. So, practically attending to their immediate behaviours is valuable and necessary, but the true transformation comes when we address our own inner issues that are triggering our child’s big emotions and unwelcome behaviours… the real transformation comes when we take self responsibility for our child in this regard, instead of placing the onus on them to change.]

If we are facing repeated struggles with a child over the same issues, it is up to us to do an internal audit of where we might potentially be projecting energetic tension, thus activating the acting out behaviour. If our child is frequently in a fight/flight/freeze response it behooves us to look closely at our energetic world, and then consider the 3D adjustments that may be required to reignite balance for our child’s inner world.

Investigate

Some questions to consider how my inner world might be impacting my child:

What are my beliefs surrounding myself as a parent? Do I feel overwhelmed? Am I occupying a martyr role, or a ‘perfect parent’ role? Or contrastingly, do I feel hopeless, and ineffective?
What is the energetic terrain like with my spouse or co-parent? Is there tension? Frequent arguing or anxiety? How could this be impacting my child?
Where am I feeling frustration in my life?
What has the overall mood of our home life been this season?
How much time do I spend on technology a day?
Where do I feel relationally vulnerable right now?
What fears, anxieties are running through my mind these days?
Am I feeling supported in this season?
Where do I feel like giving up?
What social commitments have I made for my child or myself that might not be serving us?
Where am I agreeing to cultural standards that might not be benefitting me or my child?
Are there religious standards/commitments that I am adhering to that may no longer be resonant for me or our family (but I still go through the actions)?
Where am I feeling insecure right now?
How am I feeling towards my children in this season? Is there any child that is generating a stronger draw on my attention?
Where am I needing balance?
Where am I unsatisfied in the daily life practices of our family?

The Power of Journaling and Reflection

Taking time to journal in response to these questions can illuminate inner tensions that we are dealing with that ripple out to our child. The child feels these frequencies whether or not we ever vocalize them, and so it is our job to identify and then transmute those energies into productive catalysts for our growth and rebalancing, which in time ripples out and impacts the child.

Step Two: Change the Environment

The next step to harmonizing our child’s behaviour is to thoughtfully consider the environment that we are expecting them to occupy day in and day out. We are looking to their surroundings to gain clues to their energy level.

Considering the things outside of the child that can impact their inner energetics is key in recalibrating their emotional and behavioural balance.

Consider these factors when evaluating whether your child’s environment is too challenging for them at this time:

Is home an emotionally peaceful place?
Does my child have a place of their own to retreat to if they need to regulate?
How often is loud music or yelling happening in our home?
Are there foods that seem to agitate my child?
Is my child hydrated enough?
Are their institutional settings that my child does not respond well to (school, church, doctor’s office, etc.)?
Is my child getting enough fresh air, movement and sunshine?
What is my child’s sleep like? Are they getting enough?
Has my child seen any distressing images lately?
How much time does my child spend on devices?
How well do I know my child’s social circle? Are there vulnerabilities I may have missed?
Do I have expectations of my child that are just too much?
Is my child on any medications?
Is there anyone or anything that my child is afraid of?
Has my child had any recent distressing or traumatic experiences?
Is blue light from screens and indoor fluorescent lighting overstimulating my child?
Are their chemicals (detergents, fabric softeners, cleaning supplies, body care products, perfumes, smoke) agravating my child?
How demanding is our family schedule? Where are we over-committed?

Conclusion

Our child is like the proverbial “canary in the coal mine”. They ‘sing’ (act out) when there is imbalance in their energetic attachments and environment.

It is up to us as parents to take full ownership for our child’s experience and expression, and do the detective work and inner rebalancing required to bring harmony to their spirit, which then has a cascading effect in their mental and physical expression over time.